J.K. Rockin' on the microphone

ilikelookingatnakedmen:

I appreciate that John here is trying to be helpful, and is also super-cute with a beard, so reblog reblog reblog.

But I’m a bit over the “fish needs a bicycle” trope. It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife, and now that women may be independently in possession of a good fortune, we may also seek to crown our success with a partner and, if feeling energetic, children. 

I’m currently despondent because my job is shit and my life is going nowhere, but if pressed I can admit that I’m making decent progress with my savings and, if I can just get my brain to work right (and my body to follow it), I theoretically have good prospects. I’m a bit overweight, but not disablingly so, and I know what to do if I ever want to reverse that. 

But I’m not getting laid on a regular basis, let alone having someone to go out with on a Sunday morning to spend the abovementioned fortune on french toast with maple bacon and blueberries while you share a newspaper and don’t talk except for the occasional “so, how about that ALP bloodbath, huh?”. You’ll note that John peeks off-camera to talk to his lady - why then should I not have a bicycle to consult on matters of great import?

“But Illan” you say, “he clearly says a strong man, he’s referring to beefcake.” Hell, no-one needs that - these days I’m fighting clinical depression and a contracting public service job market, not sabre-tooth tigers.* But maybe I WANT beefcake, just to play with, huh? You ever think of that, nerdy boy?

(Why yes, I do have my period this week, and yes, there does seem to be a direct link between my menstrual cycle and the size of the men I reblog here - check the archives!)

*I just spelled this “tigre”. 

I, for all that I like John Green, would certainly quite like a man who could bench-press me. I don’t need one, but if you have one spare, toss him my way.